What I Wish I Knew About Imposter Syndrome Before Attending Worldcon

A week after WorldCon came to a close, Matthew Palmer’s been reflecting on the difference between attending a con as a fan and as a writer.

So, I’ve been attending cons regularly for a couple of years now. Starting in 2023, I made a resolution to try to get to Fantasycon and Eastercon every year. It was a renewal of a promise that I made pre-Covid, one that was delayed as so many things were. As a single parent, I don’t get much time to myself, so I ignored my guilt and asked for help. Like all these things, you never receive as much push back as you expect. 

That year, I attended both those conventions and had a fantastic time. A big part of that was joining the BFS and engaging with the community online. Attending these cons and being in this community let me see so many wonderfully creative people, and exposed me to so much interesting writing that I never would have encountered otherwise. It prompted me, after many years of procrastination and distraction, to start putting pen to paper.

After a burst of creativity (mostly over NaNoWriMo) that I still find slightly shocking, I finished 2023 with the first draft of a novel ready to send to beta readers and was rightly proud of myself.

What does this have to do with Worldcon? Well, I was not prepared for how being a writer would cause my con-going experience to change so drastically. Now when I attend a convention, I have more of an agenda: 

1) To gather as much information and advice about writing, editing and publishing 

2) Attend panels that are relevant to my writing (YA contemporary fantasy) and expand my knowledge of the genre that I’m writing in. 

Now, I’m not saying that I’ve managed to turn my convention attendance into work as such, but it’s clear to me now that subsuming myself in panels on industry matters soon becomes more detrimental than it is helpful. 

Be mindful of the messages you take in

The publishing industry is hard. I know that, and it’s important for aspiring writers to learn that and have realistic expectations. When I’m at a convention though, perhaps I don’t need to put myself in situations where that is the only message I’m receiving. Less logically, seeing so many talented individuals and fantastic writers on panels, all of whom have so much knowledge of their field… What the hell am I doing thinking that I can be a writer, when I’m a rank amateur who hasn’t had any training or education in writing or grammar since leaving secondary school 25 years ago?

(Photo by Rohit Ghosh on Unsplash)

Both at Eastercon, and at Worldcon this year, I have lost a whole morning to imposter syndrome-induced anxiety. It was Sunday at Eastercon, and Saturday at Worldcon. Some of it may be due to being in a situation where I don’t have to push my stress down to make sure food is on the table and the washing is done. Some of it may be due to sheer shock of going from only socialising with the same four people in my weekly D&D game to be being in a place with thousands of people in close proximity. Without a shadow of a doubt, it is due to whatever strange chemistry of experience and biology that makes up this lump of electrified hamburger I call a brain. It’s something that I am going to have to learn to cope with if I want to continue attending cons and enjoying myself. 

I will confess, in the depths of my anxiety on Saturday, I was very tempted to travel home early and swear off attending any convention ever again.

I didn’t, as you may have realised. I had enough things to look forward to that I managed to ignore those intrusive thoughts. I was wait-listed for the Table Talk from Tasha Suri. I had the Steven Universe Panel and the BFS social to look forward to. I went for a walk around town, found a small Mexican takeout in the ‘Hidden Lanes’ off Argyle Street. They got my order wrong, mostly because three people named Matt turned up to order food at the same time, but the Quesadillas were lovely; I wish I had realised there was homemade hot sauce on the table before I stood up to leave. 

That time out managed to help me reflect on my con experience and to make a proactive plan for the rest of the con. There were a couple of disappointing panels that I had experienced at that point, and at least one that had a very negative energy to it (I won’t name it) being mostly about why a certain type of thing wasn’t very good. From that point on, I aimed to focus on attending panels that were more positive. 

Choose your panels wisely – they’ll set the tone for how you experience the event

That started with ‘80s Fantasy was the best, or was it?’, a celebration of the good and so bad they’re good movies from the time, from Blade Runner to Hawk the Slayer. The aforementioned ‘What’s the use in feeling Blue? Grief, Queer Trauma and Growing Up in Steven Universe’ panel was the best example of what fandom can offer. If I had a pound for every time that a pastel-coloured kids cartoon saved my mental health, I’d have enough money to comfortably self-publish by now. Those got me where I needed to be to be social with the fellow members of the BFS that evening (it was lovely to meet everyone and put faces to names). And while I was mostly spaced out on Sunday, I managed to keep that positive experience going. 

(Photo by Jeff James on Unsplash)

‘Dark Academia: The Lure of Evil Institutions’ reassured me that there is indeed a market for what I’m writing, and a place in that market for it. The ‘Manga and Anime from the 70s to today’ was a great panel filled with nostalgia, recommendations of hidden gems and a celebration of the many different ways that anime and manga travelled to America, Australia, Italy and India. That international perspective is one of the things that Worldcon really excels at. The Hugos is a great way to round out the trip, being able to relax and just enjoy watching people get awards, have technical difficulties (poor Chris Barker), and teach us about Sea Cucumber anal teeth.

I also had a lovely chat with Hesper Leveret (@hesper.bsky.social) on the train on the journey home, as we enthused about books, chatted about writing and compared con experiences. I didn’t share my anxiety issues with them, as a crowded train from Glasgow to Liverpool didn’t seem to be the place for that. I’m not sure if the BFS blog is either, but I do feel the need to write it down, for my own sake if not anyone else’s. 

I do recall that while I was waiting for the Anime panel to start, I saw that I was not the only one to be suffering from imposter syndrome. I don’t know the context, but there was someone openly suffering and someone else assuring them that they were a writer and they deserved to be there. So, I guess this long rambling post is my way of saying the same. If you were at Worldcon, or any con, and felt like you didn’t deserve to be there for any reason, know that you weren’t the only one who struggled. Sometimes that can be enough. 

I’m going to try to remember to keep my con experience positive in future. I’m going to limit myself to no more than two industry/publishing panels and spend the rest of the time being more of a fan and less of a writer.  I feel like in focusing so much on being a writer over the last year or so, I’d lost part of that. Worldcon has helped me find it again.

Did you go to Worldcon? What did you take away from the experience? Let us know in the comments below!